Unwanted Parenting Advice
Let me set the stage for you. Ryun and I live in Los Angeles. We have no family out here and very few close friends. Therefore we don’t get a lot of help with our kiddos. Money isn’t plentiful, but it’s enough. Date night happens almost never. We have doubled the size of our children this year and some weeks we REALLY need a night off.
The stars had aligned and we had an opportunity for some free babysitting. It was only for a few hours, but we could have dinner alone so we were thrilled. We signed up the kids for the free event in advance. For the next few weeks I daydreamed and held tight to the fact that we would be having a night off soon. The day arrived, I got all gussied up, but when we got there they said they weren’t able to take the two toddlers and “sorry for the inconvenience”.
We were deflated to say the least, but determined to still try to salvage some of the evening. Instead of the nice dinner we had planned we took our tagalongs to Round Table (it’s not the Olive Garden more like a wannabe Chuck E Cheese pizza joint). The place was practically empty. Great. We got a table next to the game room and five dollars in quarters. It wasn’t “the dream date,” but it could still work. And for the most part it did.
We nibbled on the best Round Table had to offer (aka grease and cheese). About every five minutes one or both of the girls would come back to our table. In order to deflect them we would:
- Give them more quarters
- Let them eat nibbles of our food
- Allowed them to buy plastic junky jewelry out of the quarter machines
- Bribed them with ice cream if they would keep playing their games
Each time trying to make the interaction with them as short as possible so we could get back to our adult conversation. Also, in the midst of all this deflection we tried to keep the girls quiet (they tend to talk very loudly especially when excited) because there was a middle aged couple sitting next to us. Even though they didn’t say one word to each other the entire meal we didn’t want to be rude. I wish they would have thought to extend the same courtesy.
When they finished their meal the woman approached our table and in a very matter of fact tone said,
“Just some advice, you really should spend more time with your children. You don’t want to regret it. They grow up so fast.”
I was shocked, but as calmly as possible I responded in my equally matter of fact tone with,
“I have six kids, my oldest is eighteen so I know they do indeed grow up. I’m a stay-at-home mom, I’m very involved in all my children’s lives and this was supposed to be our date night.”
Instead of apologizing for her rudeness she replied with,
“Well I raised five and you don’t have to be so defensive.”
Her husband was long gone after her rude remark leaving a very awkward staring match between us until she realized I wasn’t going to budge on my feelings. She left along with what was left of my evening. Game over. I went and sat in the car while Ryun gathered up the girls and our leftovers.
Unbelievable. I am constantly amazed by the amount of unwanted parenting advice I receive from strangers. Is it because I’m a young mom? An adoptive mom? What?!? I’ve got MANY more stories like this one from my last 12 years of parenting. Ryun told me how “very proud” of me he was for how calmly I responded to the woman (I’m known for being quite feisty).
I know deep down in her heart the woman thought she was doing me a favor. But let this be a lesson. Don’t judge parents. You don’t know what is going on the moment you see a kid having a breakdown in a store, or why a parent is dragging a screaming kid to the car or why two parents are using the arcade as a babysitter. Instead realize there is always more than meets the eye and most likely the parent is need of a much deserved break.
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I know how you feel. I wish people would also keep their judging looks to themselves. Yes I know my kid is screaming.
I could fill several books with stories about the looks and comments I get from strangers. Some days I just want to yell “mind your own flippin’ business.” But, that probably wouldn’t be the best example to the kids.
I AM THE MOTHER OF FOUR 19,18,15 AND 11.Those unwanted pieces of advise will always be there.If your child is screaming and doing something wrong and you ignore them people say “look at that parent ,why aren’t they doing something” and if you DO something,such as drag your kid out or spank them it’s “look at the mom, she’s abusing that kid”.Its really dang if you do dang if you don’t.So take a deep breath and blow them off.
Four kids. That’s awesome and you’re on the homestretch! I agree with you. As if parenting isn’t stressful enough apparently we also need an audience. I mainly ignore the looks and comments, but sometimes I’d really like to give that person a piece of my mind! Or better yet start following them around and comment on their decisions.
You are so right! I have very strong willed children. I’ve been the mom in the grocery store with the screaming child. My children have thrown items at me from the grocery cart. The only way for them to behave is for me to be very firm and no one likes that either!
What a wonderful story, and a great storyteller! Boy can I relate!
I enjoyed your blog posts and put you on my RSS feeder…looking forward to reading more!
Tammy
Thanks for stopping by. I just checked out your blog. 7 kids, you win! Any tips you’d like to share for how you squeeze in special 1-on-1 time?
Such a good question! Sadly, I don’t have an answer any therapist will want to hear.
Despite the special needs of many in our family, I try to run it as close to a “normal” household as possible. Having two children or ten, it is difficult to have 1-on-1 time with each child. I look at the larger families of 20 years ago and wonder how those children made it to adulthood without that individual attention. So, this is what I try to do in my house, albeit, not individual attention per se.
When I am with my children, I am with them. I try to put the iPad or phone away and actually spend time with them. It is tough because I also need to check email from doctors and therapists, refill meds via phone, text my husband to pick up milk, etc. However, I am becoming more mindful of giving them my FULL attention when we are together.
We try to eat dinner together at the table as a family a few times a week.
When I notice somebody is really struggling, I take them with me on errands, like grocery shopping or dry cleaning pickup) so we can have that bonding time (no matter how short it may be).
And finally, lest this becomes an independent blog post of mine, I try to not let professionals or others “bully” me or make me feel bad about how I raise my children. I am a faith-filled mom who believes God sent me ALL these children, knowing my capabilities and limits. I know my children better than anyone and I know what they really need when it comes right down to it. I rely heavily on the professionals to instill good skills and help them heal, but my mommy instinct guides me most days. One-on-one time would be wonderful, it just would never work in my busy family and I’m accepting of that.
We have a similar approach to one on one time with our kids. Ideally we would love to take each of them out once a month on a date, but we know that isn’t possible due to time and finances. Another thing we do is to let our children know that we are available in the evenings before bed in-case they have something they need to talk to us about alone. They don’t take us up on that offer very often, but when they do we stick to our promise and drop everything. It lets them know they’re important and we care about what is going on in their life.