MeLisa Lomelino insight on a very sensitive subject, Adoption Regrets. Parents experiencing adoption regrets need to seek help and support. Please don’t wait until it’s too late to get the help both you and your child need.
Adoption Regrets VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:
Hi, I’m MeLisa Lomelino, and today I want to discuss a serious subject based on stories from other adoptive parents and my own thoughts on the topic of Adoption Regrets. I’ve been an adoptive parent for 15 years and during that time I’ve had the privilege of other adoptive parents openly sharing their stories with me.
I will of course protect their privacy, but I feel the need to discuss their adoption regrets with you. You see, there are many thoughts and feelings that go UNSPOKEN as an adoptive parent. We feel INSTANT GUILT if we have a negative thought about the child that we SO DEEPLY wanted… The child that we fought so hard to get. And society doesn’t help by putting halos over adoptive parents heads. Sadly, the truth is I’ve spoken with several parents who say they regret adopting their child.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about their stories and over the years I’ve noticed two separate trends. The first group of adoption regrets are parents who adopt a younger child and have difficulty BONDING. Thankfully with TIME I’ve seen this issue resolved more often than not. With the use of bonding activities or bonding therapies the parent and child eventually connect. But TIME is the key component. No one can understand how they are going to feel being THROWN into the role of parent. Adoptive parents aren’t gifted those 9 months to prepare.
Post adoption depression or PADS is a condition brought on by the stress of adopting, though not widely discussed in the adoption community. I can still remember how stressful it was for me with our first adoption. I was 21 years old and instantly the mother of two small boys who I had only meet two weeks before. So if you are experiencing this type of adoption regret, know that it takes time and effort, and the support of those close to you. Don’t keep these feelings inside. Talk with someone and get the help you need.
The other adoption regret is more serious because the adoptive parents are resentful for EVER HAVING adopted the child. Sadly, the trend I’ve noticed is that the relationship seemed doomed from the beginning. Have you ever had a friend date someone and you knew it wasn’t going to work out? Well, unfortunately I’ve noticed this when a person adopts a child that has issues THEY RECOGNIZE FROM THE BEGINNING, but try to ignore.
Over and over adoptive parents have told me that they thought “LOVE could FIX the problem.” It PAINS me how often I’ve heard that… Because these parents grow to resent the very love that caused them to adopt their child. I too used to think that love was enough. The reason I don’t have regret is because I’ve learned that it takes MORE THAN LOVE to raise my children. It takes love, education, patience and lots of support to raise my kids.
I’ve also learned that I have to manage MY expectations for them. These parents that have adoption regrets, saw that the child had issues, but often did not get the help their child needed until they were in adolescence. They spent years trying to “love issues” out of the child, OR tried traditional parenting techniques that would never work for their child. They spent years without properly diagnosing the child’s special need until it was too late.
In my video, Child With Special Needs I discuss my thoughts on why a person SHOULDN’T adopt a child if they aren’t able to properly deal with their special needs. THIS IS WHY. It hurts both parties when adoption fails. And to me failure isn’t just adoption disillusion. It’s also failure when the parent and child part ways when that child enters adulthood. Please spend the time TO BE SURE before you commit to adopting a child. If they are exhibiting behaviors that you don’t know how to deal with, SEEK HELP.
I’ve seen too many families torn apart by trying to be an island. DON’T FACE THIS ALONE. Fight for your child. They are going to push back. Fight harder. Don’t give up. Learn everything you can to help them. Join groups. Try different therapies. Discover what is going to fill the void in your child’s heart that won’t allow love to fix it. Please if you’re experiencing adoption regrets share your story in the comments below. We are not here to judge. We are here to listen and to offer support.
For more videos about adoption parenting subscribe to our YouTube channel. Thankfully most parents don’t experience adoption regrets, but if you are having these feelings please get the help that both you and your child need.
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